My Thank You Letter To Love (The Noun or Verb, Not Person)

Dear Love,

I just wanted to thank you for all the great times buddy. When I first met you, we were both young. I had a bunch of friends try and convince me that you were something you weren't. I was told that you were all about lustful physical intimacy and lascivious licking, but now I know that's not true. As we grew older, we became best of friends. At one point you stabbed me in the back, shattered my heart, and I greatly desired to slit your throat. I must tell ya Love, I was not a very happy camper. I vividly recall the day that we met in the back alley after school to have a go at a rockin' fist fight. It's funny because every time I hit you, it felt as if I was being punched right back in my heart. And when you started bleeding, I started bleeding too! It was strange and wonderful at the same time. Maybe it's because you're not really a person, and you exist in my heart, so I basically was inflicting those punches on myself, but why should we jump to unreasonable conclusions such as that? The truth of the matter is this: that day I realized we were destined to be much closer friends than I had anticipated. In time I got over you hurting me. Since then, things have been pretty good between you and I pally. I must admit, there have been times when I've just used you to get close to the goods of other women. You see Love, you are a pretty popular character, and I've developed the bad habit of frequently "dropping your name" in my interactions so that I appear more legit. I see now that I was wrong in using you that way. I apologize for that. I can't guarantee I won't do it again, but I'll try my best. Love, I love you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart buddy. Buy yourself an ice-cream cone....you deserve it.

Love, Alex

P.S. You're always the subject of my pillow talk...I hope that doesn't creep you out.